Drama King

MVWR is still the stuff of legend with my friends. He was my boyfriend’s roommate when we met, and when they decided to move into a big townhouse, they invited me to live with them.

Roommate decided moving was the push he needed to take care of his “social anxiety.” He already had a pretty good circle of friends, mainly introduced by my boyfriend, and he regularly went out with us or by himself and met people. He went to a doctor who immediately put him on an anti-depressant. He came to me a week later to tell me how much better it worked than his pot usage. “It’s great, and it makes it SO much easier to get drunk. I can get WASTED if I take a couple of these before I got out.” He’d heard from a co-worker that they worked great to up a buzz, and that’s when he got his “social anxiety.”

It was also right at this time that he decided he was madly in love with his best friend’s girlfriend, and “had to have her.” Suddenly, his best friend was “a raving asshole” and the girlfriend was “the one.” This guy had never had a girlfriend that I know of, so he asked a bunch of the girls of our group for advice. He would regularly sit me down and ask me how to “speak to her heart.” He decided the best way to do this was get her drunk and make out with her on the night she had a fight with her boyfriend. She really had NO idea he truly liked her, because he told her they were “just being drunk.”

When she and her boyfriend eventually broke up, and she started dating someone else, he was devastated. One day, he declared: “I love her!!!”

“Then tell her you love her,” I responded.

“Well, then she’ll want to get all serious and stuff.”

“Ummm, yeah.”

“But, I just want to do her.”

Yeah, his “love” for her meant he wanted “a chance” to have sex with her, not all that icky relationship stuff.

She moved away and he continued his downward spiral. He got a tattoo of a cartoonish looking zombie with a human heart in its hand on his arm. “It represents what she’s done to my heart,” he told everyone. He then got a tattoo of a tree with only one leaf on it.”It represents when all hope seems gone, but there is just a tiny bit hanging on the the edge of my battered heart.” After that one, he got a casket on his chest with a cartoon heart in it, with a cartoon looking skull in that. It almost exactly ripped off a band logo, but he insisted he designed it to “inspire my heart to keep beating even when it feel it’s been shut inside a coffin of death.”

When the object of his affection moved back, things went from bad to worse. My boyfriend introduced her to a friend in our group, and during a night out, they hit it off and were flirting. We all came back to the house, and when my boyfriend and I went to bed, the couple were still on the couch flirting. Roommate had long ago stumbled off to bed, and just my boyfriend’s cousin and the couple were up. Maybe an hour later, we were woken to his cousin banging and shouting. “You need to get the F*&% downstairs. He just pulled out a F%$&^#@ sword!”

We got downstairs in time to see MVWR standing calmly in the living room, samurai word in hand. I grabbed it from him and asked what the hell he thought he was doing. After looking down at his shoes for a minute, he lookes at me, smirks, and mumbles, “Wellsssshheeepissedmeeofffff.” My boyfriend had to stop me from choking him after his face turned purple.